Monday, December 30, 2002

Pork Chop Express Public Service Announcement

Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson! Thanks to the Swedes, we are now all aware of the dangers of the CD-ROM drives in our new computers.

You see, its all big businesses' fault. They haven't warned us that they are planting ticking time bombs, waiting to eject their payload, turning our home computers into a real-life version of Unreal Tournament's Ripper Weapon. More thanks to the Aussies for telling us about this threat. This should be headlines all across the country. How many of you have the new 48x Speed or higher CD-R or CD-RW drives? Not only are they spinning at lethal speeds, we probably need to be warned about the dangerous laser radiation that could leak out after a damaged disk bursts through the outer door of our CD drives and does horrific damage!

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid."

So, what do we do? As the article states: ""Shatter protection should be built into the drives, especially to protect the front door (of the disk drive)," he says. "What happens now is that the door just breaks and comes flying, along with parts of the disk.""

Hmmm....Duct tape? Naw. The discs of death would slice through that like a hot knife through butta.

I know, an aluminum computer case. We mount the CD drives behind the protective plating, and that will stop the shards from penetrating our soft flesh. After all, some countries make light tanks with aluminum armor, and if its good enough for a tank, its good enough for my computer. Opening and closing the drive might turn out to be a problem. Hmph.

Obviously, we all need to work together to solve this problem. In the meantime, I have found this software that will slow down your CD-Drives to a safe speed. in fact, if you read the page this software is on, it even quotes the Aussie article! Yes! Success! Notice the software interface is in all red to show you just how dangerous this is!

Someone call the government, we need regulations to keep CD-Speeds at 1x. If it saves even one life, or one finger cut, we need to enact this legislation now! Let's march on Washington! The Million Person Slow-CD March! Demand that manufacturers slow stuff down! Soon CPUs will be so fast and run so hot that you will have the next Chernobyl on your desktop! BEWARE!

I certainly hope this was a typo in the original article:

"Fortunately, most fast drives can sustain speeds required to fracture the discs, often because reading errors cause them to slow.

That doesn't make much sense, I'm certain they meant to say: "Fortunately, most drives can't sustain...." We might be safe for a bit.

Spread the word, warn the bunnies too!