Tuesday, December 16, 2003

#1 on Shallow Jack's Christmas List

Shallow Jack here. Which means everything that follows is probably NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

I know these "items" have been discussed already on the Howard Stern show, but even though Shallow Jack wouldn't be the primary choice as a speaker at any women's group conventions (other than maybe the annual Porn Stars shindigs), I don't listen to Stern very often. After about 2 or 3 of Stern's shows, you've heard all the rest.

So I'm surfing my normal tech and pr0n sites, and come across a geek christmas list over on Slashdot. Yes, Slashdot, the site where Cybersnobbery gets it's first name.

One of the 'commenters' talks about wanting a "RealDoll" for Christmas.

WARNING: If you click on that link, you will find yourself on the pathway to credit debt hell and a very angry spouse should you order one. You might also find yourself escorted out of your place of employment.

But Shallow Jack says that shouldn't stop you.

"Dear Santa,

I know I've not been the best of boys this year. Surfing pr0n, and lusting after hip-hugger wearing, belly-shirt showing, pushup-bra under low-cut shirt donned women is not conducive to getting oneself moved from the permanent "Naughty" list to the "Nice" roll.

But I want one of these.

Think of it as headache/I'm tired/I don't feel like it/The kids might hear/etc." medicine for ol' Shallow Jack's wife. He'll be nice and leave her alone, having his new toy to play with.

And she's been a very good girl.

Too good if you ask Shallow Jack. But I digress.

Just to let you know Santa, if you're embarassed about delivering a 110-pound female body-3 type model to Jack's place, or it won't fit in the sleigh, a check for $5999 + $450 shipping would be just fine.

Yes, that is a lot of money, but its amazing how almost real they look. Much better than "Blow-up Betty" that most guys think of when it comes to these sort of things.

Don't worry about me breaking it, as it can "safely support 400 lbs of weight", and I've been a good boy and slimmed down on my low-carb diet. Also "REALDOLL's silicone skin is extremely flexible and will sustain almost any reasonable position.", though I really want to know what they mean by 'reasonable'.

Also Santa, if you think Shallow Jack's been a very good boy this year, you can add in some extra money for the options, like $3000.00 for the "articulated hands", or $500.00 for a custom wig. The geek in me wants the $1500.00 "Interactive sensory response system" so the real doll makes computer controlled noises while I'm playing with her, and oh yes, the beta "Hip Gyration system" unit sounds interesting, but since "The unit runs on 24 volts DC, and is UL Listed. The actuator itself has been able to lift up to 500 lbs and uses a state of the art control system which includes an automatic clutch system that will allow slippage if too much weight is present. This eliminates the possibility of damaging the actuator or the Realdoll." and it is only in testing at this time, I think I'll pass. Sounds like it could damage certain of Shallow Jack's own favorite body parts.

Shallow Jack likes his manhood in tact. What also bothers me is that the computer controlled system runs on Windows. So what happens when it crashes? I don't want to know.

Oh Santa, if you've got any ladies on your "Naughty but Nice" list, there's a Male Version of the doll as well.

Or you could just give them Shallow Jack's phone number.

Thanks for reading Santa!"